Sunday, 15 April 2012


    1.                                                                 TOO MUCH, TOO SOON             
            When you are the midst of receiving an abundance of attention and affection from a person you are attracted to, the last thing you want to do is cry "Halt!" However, that's exactly what you need to do. Don't put a halt to the attention and affection, but give yourself some time to think.
            Your ability to think things through is a precious and wonderful gift that, unfortunately, most of us throw out the window as soon as our emotions get going. The first thing to ask yourself is "Is this a person I really want to get involved with?" Just because he throws flower, gifts, compliments, and soulful looks at your way doesn't mean this is an appropriate individual for you to welcome into your life!

    2.                                                              JUST HAVING FUN
              "Well it doesn't really matter who he is, I'M just having fun. I'm not looking for "forever" lover," you say, "this is just for now." You may think you can just have fun and perhaps that is so. But what if the other person is serious about his or her attraction to you? What do you think might happen if a potentially violent individual realizes you are treating his or her for you lightly? Toying with people's emotions is not wise, and even less so with violently inclined individuals. whether you are interested in just having an affair or looking for a lifelong friendship and mate, do not give in to the emotion of the moment at the expense of your ability to think. Pay attention to who your partner is.

     3.                                                          WHO IS YOUR PARTNER?
         Whirlwind beginnings usually last about three months. During that time, it is extremely important for you to repeatedly ask yourself, "what do I know about this individual? Does what he wants in his life fit with what I want in mine?"
         "Yes, but, you ask, "won't that spoil all the fun? who wants to ask questions when you're in the middle of a romantic moment?" Who said you have to ask such questions in the middle of a romantic moment? There are plenty of quiet times between romantic moment to do so, and these are the very questions that may save you from becoming involved with a dangerous individual.
    4.                                                         THE PUST FOR INTIMACY
          Intimacy and sex are not synonymous. It is perfectly possible to have sex without being intimate. It is equally possible to be intimate without having sex. Intimacy implies tenderness toward and closeness with another person. When you are intimate with someone, you become vulnerable to that person. You are revealing all of you -- the good parts, the not-so-good parts, and the downright nasty parts. You trust your partner to treat you and all the part of you with caring and respect. Intimacy, therefore, is grounded in trust. Until trust has had an opportunity to develop, it is difficult to let go and be genuinely intimate with someone. Trust takes time to develop. It cannot be forced, just as you cannot force someone to be intimate with you, in the true definition of intimacy as tenderness and closeness.

    5.                                                        "MAKING" LOVE HAPPEN
          When someone makes intimate gestures very early on, physically or verbally, he or she may be trying to force a close relationship into exercise prematurely, before there is a genuine foundation for such intimacy. People generally try to force intimacy in order to create a bond, to "make" love happen as opposed to allowing love to happen. Abusive individuals, who are poor self-worth and low self-esteem, are afraid (on a subconscious level) that they are worthless. They fear that if you get a chance to know them, you'd probably see they are worthless and want to have nothing to do with them. Abusive individuals push intimacy in the hopes that you will fall in love with them, and that once you fall in love, you won't leave them even when you discover their worthlessness.
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Friday, 13 April 2012



An abusive individual in the beginning of a relationship is an intensely focused individual. Such intense focus actually constitutes much of the abusive individual's initial charm. Intensity is, for many people, very attractive, as evidenced by the many hit movies and other media that capitalize on the immense drawing power of intensity. The focal point of abusers' intensity is satisfaction of their need to merge as completely as possible with another. In the service of this need, abusive individuals will do whatever it takes. Abusers are often so charming or so seductive in how they go about getting what they want that you either don't notice or are too enchanted to care about the fact that they are not taking your feelings into account. It may seem like it because all that charm and seduction make you feel so good, but actually, one has nothing to do with the other.



Abusive individuals may make you feel good, but they don't take your feelings into account at all. They either bulldoze through your feelings with their need or ignore your feelings completely, whichever tactic is most likely to work.
       People are often afraid to express their true feelings in the beginning of a relationship lest they risk losing their new lover or friend. Unfortunately, if you are afraid of losing someone early in the relationship, you are far too likely to sacrifice your feelings, your wants, needs, and preference to theirs, which in the end means you will not have a mutually satisfying relationship. A dear friend of mine often says' "It is better to fight a lot in the beginning of a relationship than assume all is bliss and devastated in the end." This is not to suggest that fighting for the sake of fighting is good, but it implies that it is better to fight for the expression of your feelings than to consistently allow your feelings to be run over or ignored.            



A person cannot respect your feelings if you do not express them. Don't expect the other person will just know what to do or understand how you'll feel. Wearing rose-colored glasses in the beginning of a relationship could be lethal. Often, as a passive partner you are afraid of expressing your feelings because you don't want to rock the "happiness" boat. "Gosh," you say to yourself, "if i tell him again I don't like it when he calls at work, I'll probably hurt his feelings, or he might not call at all anymore. That would be awful." So you don't say anything. Now, not only have you made it impossible for the other person to respect your feelings (because he doesn't know what they are), you've also deprived yourself of the opportunity to see if this individual would respect your feelings if he did know what they were. Don't assume that because someone is paying you compliments and giving you attention or being romantic that he is full of good intentions. You have no idea what his true intentions are at this point.
        Be willing to express your feelings. If your lover or friend genuinely cares about you, she will be willing to listen to how you feel and to work with you on an issue. Stand up for yourself when your feeling are not taken into consideration. Be willing to say, for example, "I don't like it when people come unannounced to my home. please call me first to see if it's not convenient for you to come over tonight, let's plan a different time together," or "As much as i like to talk to you, please don't call at work unless it's an emergency." "Oh my gosh," I could never say that, that's so cold." Fine develop a warmer way of saying it, but say it! Cold is a lot better than dead.