HOW TO GET THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE IN A               RELATIONSHIP

          RESPECTING YOUR RIGHTS AND FEELINGS

An abusive individual in the beginning of a relationship is an intensely focused individual. Such intense focus actually constitutes much of the abusive individual's initial charm. Intensity is, for many people, very attractive, as evidenced by the many hit movies and other media that capitalize on the immense drawing power of intensity. The focal point of abusers' intensity is satisfaction of their need to merge as completely as possible with another. In the service of this need, abusive individuals will do whatever it takes. Abusers are often so charming or so seductive in how they go about getting what they want that you either don't notice or are too enchanted to care about the fact that they are not taking your feelings into account. It may seem like it because all that charm and seduction make you feel so good, but actually, one has nothing to do with the other.

     2.      

           YOUR FEELINGS IGNORED    

Abusive individuals may make you feel good, but they don't take your feelings into account at all. They either bulldoze through your feelings with their need or ignore your feelings completely, whichever tactic is most likely to work.
       People are often afraid to express their true feelings in the beginning of a relationship lest they risk losing their new lover or friend. Unfortunately, if you are afraid of losing someone early in the relationship, you are far too likely to sacrifice your feelings, your wants, needs, and preference to theirs, which in the end means you will not have a mutually satisfying relationship. A dear friend of mine often says' "It is better to fight a lot in the beginning of a relationship than assume all is bliss and devastated in the end." This is not to suggest that fighting for the sake of fighting is good, but it implies that it is better to fight for the expression of your feelings than to consistently allow your feelings to be run over or ignored.            

     3.

            EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS

A person cannot respect your feelings if you do not express them. Don't expect the other person will just know what to do or understand how you'll feel. Wearing rose-colored glasses in the beginning of a relationship could be lethal. Often, as a passive partner you are afraid of expressing your feelings because you don't want to rock the "happiness" boat. "Gosh," you say to yourself, "if i tell him again I don't like it when he calls at work, I'll probably hurt his feelings, or he might not call at all anymore. That would be awful." So you don't say anything. Now, not only have you made it impossible for the other person to respect your feelings (because he doesn't know what they are), you've also deprived yourself of the opportunity to see if this individual would respect your feelings if he did know what they were. Don't assume that because someone is paying you compliments and giving you attention or being romantic that he is full of good intentions. You have no idea what his true intentions are at this point.

        Be willing to express your feelings. If your lover or friend genuinely cares about you, she will be willing to listen to how you feel and to work with you on an issue. Stand up for yourself when your feeling are not taken into consideration. Be willing to say, for example, "I don't like it when people come unannounced to my home. please call me first to see if it's not convenient for you to come over tonight, let's plan a different time together," or "As much as i like to talk to you, please don't call at work unless it's an emergency." "Oh my gosh," I could never say that, that's so cold." Fine develop a warmer way of saying it, but say it! Cold is a lot better than dead.